Monday, 21 November 2016

Is Commitment so Important?

We live in a generation where the definition of the word “Relationship” is described by the adjectives placed in the front of that word: Committed OR Casual. These words overshadow the fact that relationships can become one of the greatest sources of empathic connection and love. People tend to hate the word Casual by assuming that the word “Casual” means “easily disposable”. Some others confuse it by saying “Hookups”.

You can judge me all the way you want - but I prefer casual relationships over committed ones.

I know it’s super easy to get seduced by the fantasies of long term commitment just by the slightest encouragement. Affections don’t mean more than what they are at the surface.

It happens like this. You start to enjoy someone’s company. You start getting physiological sensation such as the classic sensation of having butterflies in your stomach and of course that kind of annoying but awesome feeling of always having him on your mind. At this time you are completely prepared for your emotions to take the next step, without realizing that you are committing the mistake of calling infatuation as love. But you do it anyway because you are trying to figure out as quickly as humanly possible whether “he’s the one.”

There was a time in your life when you became more emotionally invested, putting along in all our hopes that your relationship will eventually improve.

After a year or so, that one person chose to see you only once a week, kept you with little efforts on his part. It made you feel miserable. He didn’t even make feeble attempts to reel you back into your comfortable zone. The two-year relationship that led you to nowhere.

I know how painful the alternative reality can be if you confront the fact that your love was just an infatuation, a simple attraction. You made a big decision to walk away from that relationship. You decided to move on. But still, every single night you go to bed pondering over the same question again and again,

Where did I go wrong?

The truth is- No one was at fault. It is just the human nature. Life is not fair every single time. Sometimes life welcomes you with happiness, leaves you with sorrow. Holding on to things that make you remember him is going to worsen your situation. All you need is to lift your chin up and walk ahead because you are the only Boss of your life.

It doesn’t take 2 days to fall in love. Attraction can be immediate. Love requires actually knowing the person and that takes time. A relation has to become a bit more serious before any feelings of true love start to creep in.

When it comes to the feeling of falling in love; lust, attraction, and attachment come together in a unique way. The idea that casual relationships are necessarily related to “intimacy” is mistaken. On one hand, people call “casual relationships” as “Relationships without commitment”. On the other hand, they associate “Casual relationships” with “intimacy”.

How can someone reach to the level of Intimacy without committing entirely to a relationship?

Passion and Intimacy cannot survive without commitment. I would even go as far as to argue that intimacy and commitment cannot be separated. To be intimate with someone means that you put your whole trust in them. It is all about feeling safe with another person.

So, the idea of derogating “Casual relationships” by calling them “A way to get intimate” is entirely unconvincing.

Casual relationships can be so much fun. You are just letting it happen. You are free from the worries of past and uncertainties of future. All you are doing is enjoying your present – with a person you admire. This might not be what you want in your future but this might turn out to be the beginning of your own fairy tale.

When you are no longer restricted by the levels of commitment, you enjoy life to the fullest. Mundane activities turn out to be enjoyable. You love going to movies with him. A night out, a trip to an amusement park makes you happy. And the best part is- It is not that you have to pretend to enjoy that we all do to some extent when we start seeing someone new. The love that you develop for your now shared passions and interest is real and fulfilling.

Commitments and relationships often end up taking all our time and we forget to have fun together. Have you ever made an effort to spend quality time together on a regular basis?  Have you ever planned a trip away together for a few days? Have you ever shared a joke with that person?

If you haven’t done this, I am pretty much sure you don’t know the person well enough to fall in love with him.

TAKE TIME, because this is the decision you are probably going to live by for the rest of your life. Putting so much pressure, in the beginning, can hasten the end. Go out on a weekend trip for a few days and use it as an opportunity to really talk to each other. The only way you both will move forward is through communication and not by rushing into society framed version of “Committed Relationship”.

The passion of being “MADLY IN LOVE” is not important. The need to know the person from his heart is important.

You can always Commit to a Casual Relationship. You can make a choice to love not based on the intense feelings but because you want to be loved. This way you can be guaranteed that your giddy infatuation will fade away. You’ll find eventually that your infatuation is replaced with a deep abiding respect for each other.

Falling in love is a uniquely intense period of time. But you need to sort out a lot of other questions during the falling-in-love phase. Beyond this clear infatuation, you need to make sure that whether this person is going to support you, understand you, respect you and be compassionate with you.

These questions in the early stages can be so confusing. You might puzzle your own feelings. Your emotions may be difficult to decipher but don’t categorize “a passing attraction” as “love”. Take time to get sure of your feelings, Because you deserve better than the vague possibility of “someday”.

Written by Anmol Jain
I love to write unapologetically out of passion. I am a dreamer, animal lover and known for my lashing criticism.

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